Put off having more children

Disclaimer: do what you think is best. I have no business telling you to put off having kids. Everyone decides what is best for them.

My story

Ezra was merely a year old when we got pregnant with Micah. I had a little inkling something wasn't developing right with Ezra but it was too early to tell, and I didn't even know about autism. We wanted more children, but didn't really plan to get pregnant again. A little moment of indiscretion led to our darling Micah. I'm so grateful for my treasure, and I love him with all my heart.

I do admit though that as a mother one of the major sources of my stress and anxiety about Ezra's challenges have to do with Micah. When I was 8 months pregnant, Aaron had kidney cancer. He had to have his kidney removed, and I was left to care for both him and Ezra. He couldn't even move or lift anything. I'm sure Ezra felt the anxiety I felt for Aaron. He became more and more difficult, and it was obvious by now (he was 18 months old) that something was really wrong. He didn't have any words, and had multiple tantrums a day. He had severe separation anxiety, and freaked out if he couldn't see me. He spent most of the day right at my side, or on my hip. His attention span was non-existent. He would spend less than a second with a toy, and demanded my attention every second of the day. Then Micah was born. He was such a beautiful little baby. He was gentle, calm, snuggly, and just plain adorable. I was in love with him just as any mother is with her newborn. Ezra of course was jealous, and became more and more difficult to manage, but would only go to me. I had to constantly hand Micah off to granny or daddy, so I could calm Ezra. I started resenting Ezra for being so demanding. Two months after Micah's birth, we had Ezra assessed and he started getting therapies. I spent a lot of my week taking Ezra to his different therapies, where I couldn't bring Micah along. For me that was and still is very difficult.

One of my major inner conflicts is to want to be with Micah, but knowing that Ezra is the one who needs my help the most. If I don't spend time with Micah, he will still develop normally, whereas leaving Ezra alone to his own world, will severely hinder his brain development. Temple Grandin says in her book The Way I See It, that the worst thing you can do with an autistic child under six is nothing, because the brain is not creating pathways on it's own, and needs stimulation. It tears my heart to shreds when Micah looks at me with big sad eyes, says things like "I wish I was autistic too. Then people would come play with me," when I choose to play with Ezra in the playroom, or spend time training volunteers, watching Ezra in the playroom with them, giving feedback etc. Ezra gets all the attention. People will come to our house, even family, and exclaim with all their energy EZRA, how are you? just to get his attention. Micah will come running up with shining eyes and say HI! and repeat it four or five times, but be completely ignored. When people call, they always ask how Ezra is doing, rarely do they want to know anything about Micah, and he notices. Ezra can demand so much of my energy that I simply have none left to play with Micah. Then I feel guilty, and start to resent Ezra again for taking up so much of my time. It has gotten a bit easier now that Micah is able to understand more that Ezra is different. The other source of major concern is that Ezra is still jealous of Micah and pinches and hurts him all day long. There is nothing that makes me angrier than seeing Ezra who is almost twice Micah's size constantly beating him up.


I know that these problems can be solved by attitudinal work with the Option Process of the Son-Rise program. Life isn't fair for anyone, and the sooner we can accept that, the better...in theory. It's easier said than done.

When we went to Massachusetts, just Ezra, Daddy, and I we saw a completely different boy. Ezra was calm, happy, sweet, and attentive. He never screamed those blood curling screams that he uses at home. Sure he had excellent support from the playroom staff at the Autism Treatment Center, but the major difference was that Micah wasn't there. The minute we got off the plane when we got home and into the car it's like someone flipped a switch and he instead of hugging Micah started pinching him and screaming.
Ezra does love Micah, and Micah adores his older brother. Like all other siblings they learn from each other, the good and bad things.

I just think, that my life would have been a lot easier, if I had waited to have another child until Ezra was six or seven years old. Then I wouldn't have to deal with all this guilt and knowing that no matter how much I give someone is always going to come up short.