Put Myself first, not my child

1. Put Myself first not my child

Trust me, nothing is as important as you. You make or break your child's future. That is the truth! You are responsible. It is an enormous responsibility, and sometimes seems like a burden too heavy for your shoulders to bare. When you look at it that way, it will be a terrible burden. Life will be hard. Rather look at it as your blessing, your opportunity to grow in humanity, humility, and understanding far beyond what others will experience. It also means, that if you are in charge of it, you need to be in top mental shape. You're in it for the long run.
I just recently spoke to a friend of mine who has a relative with a teen-aged special needs child. She apparently just tried to kill herself for the 10th time. In my opinion, if you tried that many times without succeeding it is because you want your current life to be over, not for actual life to be over. Anyway, it was a wake up call to me. I was so close to burn out. I don't exactly have suicidal ambitions, but sometimes I do cast my eyes to heaven and think 'Can I come home now'? In fact, I'm sure that's burn out. I yelled at my kids for the smallest things, I lost it all the time, with myself, with my husband, with the kitchen cupboard that wouldn't shut...I couldn't seem to find my smile, and I felt generally just down and depressed. Sometimes I don't know where I'll get the energy to face another day. I cried multiple times a week, sometimes a day. So how did it get to that? Talking to my friend about his relative helped me realize that all these years, I had been putting Ezra first. I have been denying myself needed time off. How could I take time off, when no one knew how to take care of Ezra, when leaving him meant he would scream for me for two hours, when I knew I was inflicting this burden on someone else? I couldn't even enjoy time off if I had it because I was so worried about him. He had such severe separation anxiety that if I left his line of sight he would start wailing. He did that for about 4 years.
Yes, no one can take care of your child like you can. But you cannot let that stop you from living your life. If I could go back I would tell myself, that he will be OK. And so will yours. It's hard at first, but find someone you trust to take your child off your hands for a couple hours a week, or even a day if you can. I know you're not sleeping well. I know he's probably up at night, and early in the morning. My life got so much easier to handle once I realized that he was not hurting himself at night, and that I could just put in the earplugs. It took me three years to let go and realize that I needed sleep if I wanted to cope.

You are the marathon runner. Your child is just hitched to you in a trailer, and you are pulling him. You need to stop and hydrate. Enjoy the scenery along the way, because otherwise you will never make it to the finish line.  So find a hobby and do it. Breathe! Forget about your child for a few hours. Interact with others, find friends you can enjoy your hobby with. Nothing is as refreshing as human interaction. My hobby is horseback riding and my riding pal who knows about my situation usually amuses herself by counting the deep contented sighs I make when I ride through the forests. It's like the weight of the burden is lifted for a few hours.

This deserves a whole separate post, but if you are having a hard time it's because you are having a S.A.D.  S.A.D. stands for sucky attitude depression, or sucky attitude day. I know from experience that the only thing that makes having an autistic child harder is having a sucky attitude about it, which leads me to point number 2. The Son-Rise Program!