I have just experienced the absolute grossest thing in my entire life. SERIOUSLY! My stomach is still churning, and I'm feeling totally queasy. This smell is worse than my brother's size 16 athletic shoes he would wear all day with socks that probably were worn twice. In fact if an entire football team worked out and didn't shower for a week, and spent a night in the locker room with no windows open, I think you still couldn't match the stench of this. So why write about it, when all I really want to do is delete it from my memory? I guess I'm a writing paradox. What is it that makes us want to share and participate in horrible experiences. Yes, I'm talking to you writers, producers and viewers of all these gruesome murder shows like CSI, The Mentalist, Castle, Profiler, 24, or those wretched reality TV shows etc. Yes, it's interesting and entertaining but let's not pretend it isn't a bit weird that we would want to spend our evenings watching people figure out just how exactly someone killed another human being. (And just so you know I love The Mentalist and Castle).
Anyway, remember that GAPS diet thing that I'm doing, and how I'm not allowed to give the kids anything that isn't home made? Well, soy is off the plate too. It's pretty hard to make anything Asian tasting without the use of soy, but instead you can use fish sauce. Now, I've used fish sauce before in Thai dishes, and I love the little kick in the flavor a teaspoon of that stuff will add. I didn't think it would be too bad to make it myself. The recipe was straightforward. Buy 1 pound of small, whole fish, chop them up, cover with water, add a tablespoon of salt, ferment in warm place for 5 days, and then store in the fridge for several weeks. OK, done.
So today, I thought, I'll strain it just in case there is a bit of a fish smell, which doesn't sit well with my ultra-sensitive-to-smell husband. BOY, was that inspired. In fact, I'm a little worried that I won't get the smell out in time for his return. Have you ever had the urge to throw up just from a smell? Well, let me tell you, that's one experience you needn't put on your bucket list. At first, I thought, this is rather stronger than expected, but after just five seconds I realize there was no way I was EVER going to put this on my food. The smell was so bad, that me, the ultra conscious tree-hugging recyclist, miss-I-don't-let-my-kids-waste-paper-they-can-color-on-the-backside-and-I'm-sorry-we-just-killed-a-tree-for-a-scribble actually threw out the glass jar. No, it wasn't broken. It was just so awful that I couldn't imagine ever putting anything in there again. But just rinsing it down the drain didn't seem to get rid of the smell. I wiped down the granite counter top, but still the smell remained. I threw out the trash (and I really should make those guys some cookies for picking it up tomorrow), sterilized everything, but the smell kept lingering. Even the sweet sulfurous smell of lighted matchsticks wouldn't disperse it. After five matches I pulled out the heavy guns, and lighted some incense, and essential oils. AND IT LINGERED ON. To my dismay I found that the scent cloud migrated to the living room. I would have immediately opened doors and windows, but I actually had left a door open, and 50 mosquitos had invaded my kitchen, I decided that I would take care of venting the house tomorrow. I felt so sick, that I couldn't even prepare the lunches and breakfast for the kids tomorrow.
I don't care what anyone says about my kids not getting preservatives, I will never make home made fish sauce again. EVER. For the teaspoon it takes to spike meals, they'll just have to put up with preservatives.
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