Dummies Guide to ruining Easter (or Holidays)

For all you supermoms out there who are not content with celebrating holiday in a normal, relaxed way, and would like some pointers on how to create a big enough mess for yourself, so you can put on your cape to save the day, here it is. This is...um...a friend of mine's guide to ruining Easter (can be applied to any holiday).

1. First things first. When you wake up, give yourself a good mental smack for not getting up earlier to make a huge fancy breakfast.
2. While you're making the kids the special nut, egg, gluten, casein free pancakes they can eat, beat yourself up about the fact that you can't make them their favorite foods, or the big eggs, bacon, and cinnamon rolls breakfast, because they're intolerant to it.
3. While your kids are having a great time finding the eggs you hid the night before, berate yourself for not being able to give them big baskets full of candy, and not having decorated the table with chocolate eggs. If you're tempted to remember the reason why you can't give them those candies, just blame yourself for not giving them a better DNA. 
4. Have high expectations of your kids. Assume that they will behave and be kind just because it's a holiday.
5. While they're eating their candy, feel guilty that you broke down and gave them chocolate eggs.
6. When after five minutes your autistic child reacts to the chocolate and casein, starts screaming, barking, and hurting his younger sibling, remind yourself that it's your fault and feel guilty. (For good measure give yourself a mental kick for believing all these judgmental people around you who call you a strict parent, and have no clue what it's like to have a special needs child.)
7. If you are a Mormon, go to church with huge expectations that everyone else will have grasped how significant Easter is and that they too will want to celebrate this grand occasion with beautiful music, and uplifting talks. 
8. Look for opportunities to be annoyed, like when the meeting starts 8 minutes late.
9. During the sacrament don't focus on remembering the resurrection or Christ. Instead get annoyed at the lack of common courtesy demonstrated by the parent of the screaming child, who won't take her into the hall. 
10. Determine the nationality of the parent, and remind yourself of every time a person with that nationality has lacked common courtesy. Then get irritated at your spouse for taking a job in a country that lacks common courtesy. 
11. When the first speaker announces that you can go to sleep because he'll give a boring talk, take it as evidence that everyone is out to annoy you today.
12. When the second speaker gets up and also demonstrates a lack of courtesy by speaking for 40 minutes, so the bishop has to cut his talk to 2 minutes and dispense with the intermediate hymn, repeat step 10. 
13. When the same speaker who started the meeting late and took up all the time then gets up to close the meeting by giving another mini talk, repeat step 10. 
14. Complain to your spouse, and to anyone who will listen that you don't belong to a church that values music, and good talks. As much as you are tempted, don't remember General Conference talks or MoTab. Just focus on how these talks are ruining your Easter expectations. 
15. If you happen to get happy feelings during church because the primary kids are extra cute, squish them as soon as you can by reminding yourself that you might feel good now, but it's just the calm before the storm.
16. When church is over, and you realize that the potluck isn't happening because it's Easter, berate yourself for not trusting your common sense, which told you early that morning there wouldn't be one.
17. When your autistic child freaks out because he expected a pot luck and there wasn't one, remind yourself that you're a lousy parent.
18. After you get your kids in the car, and your autistic child freaks out even more because you also didn't prepare a lunch box, berate yourself again for not being prepared for every eventuality. 
19. Remind yourself that this situation warrants dining out, and then get very angry because you left your credit card at home. 
20. Get angry at your spouse because he didn't comply with your assumption that he had his wallet, and that he didn't read your mind to bring it. Remind yourself of everything else he does wrong, and take it as evidence for a disastrous marriage.
21. After 30 minutes of crying from your autistic child, first curse scientists for not inventing beaming technology. Blame yourself for not having invented it. Assume your child will starve, or melt down completely. Up your anxiety level, throw caution and blood pressure to the wind by flooring it home. 
22. When you get home and your special needs child acts completely remote, doesn't listen, respond, and switches between hyperactive and despondent, feel really sorry for yourself, and assume that everyone else's life is easier than yours. 
23. Whatever else you do, take yourself and your thoughts seriously. Don't think about the fact that you're being ridiculous and negative. It will ruin all your hard work!

Alright jokes aside here. Dr. Daniel Amen, a noted psychiatrist and author, wrote that everyone has what are called ANT's: Automative Negative Thoughts. They vary depending on which part of our brain is most challenged. Hormone levels really do influence our thoughts as well, so some days during the month you have to fight harder to remember that the world isn't actually rotten, it's just a lack of happy hormones causing you to think so. Some have dark and evil thoughts, some minds readily paint worst case scenarios, some have thoughts of hopelessness, self-hatred, etc. The point is that, although they feel real, they aren't true. They're just thoughts, and when you focus on negative thoughts, you just feel worse. He suggests to write them down and talk back to them. It's pretty funny once you write them down, how ridiculous they really are.

Anyway, hope you found some entertainment in this post. I'm going to go celebrate now how silly I was being today, I mean, er...how silly my friend was today, and enjoy the gorgeous evening, and the feeling of satisfaction one has on a perfect spring evening after eating a lovely Easter dinner.