Expectations - tools of misery or joy!

I've learned a thing or two about expectation management from the Dutch weather, and from having an autistic child (or children in general). 

Today was a lovely fall day. Most of the day we had lovely sunshine, and one little rain storm that lasted around 20 minutes. For the first three years of living in the Netherlands I regarded this country mainly as purgatory, simply because I would base my moods on what the weather was like. As someone with S.A.D. I have reasonable even plausible grounds to do such a thing. Every day I would check the weather on www.weer.nl where you can see a weekly overview of what the weather will be like and most of the time it would say cloudy or rainy, and in fact it was just that. So when it was sunny I would feel like I was in paradise and when it was cloudy....I would be angry/annoyed/depressed.

Finally over this summer, after three solid years of being miserable and upset about the lousy climate, I decided to no longer base my moods on what the weather was going to be like. Yes, I realize I'm a slow learner, and am stubbornly holding fast to my dream of climate domination, and congratulations to you who are smart enough to know you can't control the weather. So I stopped my OWCD (obsessive weather checking disorder), and decided that I would enjoy the day regardless of the weather. I adjusted my expectations from wanting to see the sun every day, to  realizing that I live in a place where I just might not get to see the sun at all from September to end of April. Ironically after I adjusted that we had almost no cloudy or rainy days at all for two months. It has been mostly sunny, but even when it starts out rainy, and overcast, and the sun breaks through for just a moment, I rejoice, and say "Ha, I can feel sunshine." But even if it doesn't break through I'm fine, because I expected as much. 

Now I'm working on applying the same principle to my family. In theory it should be simple, right? Today however, I did a really supreme job of being miserable thanks to the expectations I set. 

I'll give you an overview of my mental expectations and let you guess how they gave me plenty of opportunity to be miserable. 

1. I will be able to sleep in a little.               

2. The kids will play nicely together or alone and occupy themselves. 

Reality Check: Ezra has autism, seeks stimulation and structure, so unless activities are provided he will just make Micah scream, and use him like a light-up toy.

3. We'll get a lot of stuff done today. 

Couldn't find recycling pass, and had to keep the kids occupied all day.

4. We'll go do something fun as a family. 

Nope, Aaron developed a severe stomach flu and lay on the couch all day. Almost took him to the hospital he was in so much pain. 

5. I can finally finish my emergency backpacks. 

Nope, had to take Ezra shopping with me, which ended up in him running through the aisles screaming for me, when he couldn't find me. 

6. I am going to get time to practice. 

Ha!

7. I can let the kids play Wii fit and it will be good for their development of balance. 

Got frustrated when the kids didn't get how to do it. 

8. When we sit down to eat, the kids will eat the food with good manners. 

Nope. Still using their hands, throwing food on the floor, arguing and whining about eating the vegetables, Ezra does his burping ism, Micah copies him. 

9. When the kids are fighting they will stop themselves and remember the 500 trillion times I told them to either share and take turns, or walk away and find something else to do. 

LOL. 

and the best one yet. 

10. My kids will act like reasonable grown ups. 

These are really fabulous examples of how I set myself up for trouble. I don't want to spend another day expecting something from my kids. I think I'm much better off expecting absolutely nothing from them, and from anyone frankly, because the whole world and all of humanity will be one endless string of positive surprises. I will no longer be dependent on anyone or anything to act a certain way for me to be happy. 

Think about the possibilities!

I expect the president I vote for to fix the economy single handedly....or no one can fix the economy, not even the president, but I can make sure I'm self-reliant. 

I expect my spouse to treat me a certain way....or no matter how my spouse treats me, I will be loving and kind.

I expect my children to behave...or it doesn't matter how my children behave, I will love them forever. 

I expect to sing every note perfectly...or I'll probably screw up most of the music. 

I expect the conductor to consider the fact I need to breathe....the conductor will take everything as slow as Harnoncourt and allow me no time to breathe.

I don't think that having low expectations is being negative as long as you add on "I will be happy anyway." If you add on "All is woe, nothing good will ever happen, so I might as well be miserable" coupled with a good ol' mental self-punishment by all means. That's called the unhappiness program. "It works every time, without exception." (Jim Cox)
I for one am going to use the coming days to practice having low expectations. I just tend to forget about those on Saturdays, where I kind of just want a day off.