The Dog Experiment

My week as a dog owner was very interesting. For one thing I figured out that I'm really more of a cat person, because I prefer their independence. And picking up poop is kind of gross. It might be the size of the dog though, and perhaps I just need a dog that doesn't follow me around everywhere so I can trip over yet another body lying around the floor (I'm referring obviously to my live kids who trail me everywhere, not the dead bodies I keep stashed away on my floor).
The most interesting insight I had into a dog owner's life is that I was suddenly in the "in"-club. I have been going walking in the beautiful Joe Mannweg Forest all year with my kids. Both boys loved Lea and they generally love all dogs. They show their enthusiasm by jumping up and down, laughing, screaming, running up to them and asking (well we're working on that part) to pet them. There were always some friendly people who would give them a little smile and let them pet their dog. Some exceptionally awesome people even let Ezra throw a ball for the dog to fetch it, but in general people gave me the keep-your-psychotic-kids-away-from-my-dog-look. During our week with Lea we walked her every day in that same forest. This time however I was no longer the dog-less mom with psycho kids. Suddenly people were smiling, returning my greetings, and nodding in Lea's direction when she would have a little sniff-up with her fellow four-legged friends. Keep in mind here that this is the same forest, same kids, same trail, same behavior (if anything more exuberant), but now I was getting the benevolent look-how-much-those-kids-love-their-dog-they're-so-cute-look. Perhaps this immediate acceptance comes from a knowledge of what it takes to be a dog owner, the early walks, the training, the brushing, feeding, picking up poop, snuggling, and loving your pet. Perhaps it's just an immediate visual commonality that makes the unfamiliar less threatening. I miss that part.
I'm glad Lea is back with her owner, although I miss the walks with my kids who are now not as motivated to go to the forest and that unspoken bond that people dog owners seem to share.

 I love how Ezra got so used to Lea that he wanted to have contact with her all the time.

 I'm grateful I got to take pictures with my iPod but I wish it would have done the incredible winter light justice. It was truly magical.

 Our favorite place here, the Joe Mannweg forest.

Borrowed Dog

I now have an 8 year old golden retriever lying right outside my living room door. Her name is Leah. She is affectionate, sweet, and currently snoring. I'm taking care of her for a week while her owner is on vacation. The idea is also to see if we want to get a dog. Golden Retrievers and Labradors are of course highly trainable. We had considered the idea of a service dog for Ezra, as they are used more and more for autistic children. We stopped short however at the amount of work training a dog takes, and the alternative of buying a fully trained dog was not financially feasible at $15,000 per dog. Frankly I'd rather buy a horse for that money...a good one. And some fish. Several parents have reported that having a dog helped their child relate more.
I also thought that having a dog would force me to exercise. So far our experiment has proved true on both accounts. Last night I went for a 20 minute walk despite below 0 temperatures, and today with equally chilling weather we went for a one hour walk in the forest with the kids. Running after Leah and throwing sticks for her to catch, motivated the children much more, than just trotting after me. At first Ezra was afraid of the dog. He spent this morning with granny as I had to go to my first day at my new job. It still feels weird that I'm not a working mom. Anyway, when Leah was lying down, Granny got him to get closer and closer to her, until he lay snuggled up next to her. After that, I really could see that his eye contact started increasing during the day. During our walk he even held a hand on Leah's back and ran along side her for 10 minutes. Tonight after dinner he wanted her to come play outside with him. These are all spontaneous interactions. Another plus I didn't consider is that Micah likes having a buddy to hug and play with. He loves animals and gets a very soft cute voice when he talks to them.
Minuses? I don't like having my hands smell like dog, the hair gets everywhere, and I'm not a huge fan of the begging for food.

Kindness from strangers

I'm back in the US for the Son-Rise intensive treatment for Ezra. In the past few days I've been struck by the difference in the culture here and in the Netherlands and what an impact little acts of kindness make.
Here are some small things people did yesterday that made me take note and marvel at what an impact friendliness and kindness make:

1. A woman in her 60s held the door open for us when she saw Ezra and I approach.
2. A clerk in the store overheard me saying that those massive carts, the ones with the car attachment for kids, was hard to navigate, so he went and got me a different one, and told me not to worry about it.
3. The clerk in the post office was so friendly and helpful, smiled at us, joked with us, and helped us find the right packet for the things we had to mail.
4. When I was pulling out of a parking spot the guy in the car behind us stopped instead of trying to speed past us, and gave us a friendly you-first-wave.
5. A clerk in the health food store immediately stopped what she was doing when I asked her for help in finding Stevia. 

Perhaps these acts are just part of the American customer service mentality. Perhaps they are cultural. I've certainly witnessed the same kind of courtesy and friendliness in other countries, and in turn have experienced unfriendly behavior at times in the US.It is so pleasant it when people are friendly. And it feels better to be friendly with others. Every emotion, every feeling has a physical effect in our body. Anger raises the blood pressure. Stress increases our adrenalin levels. Love manifests in form of dopamine in the brain, which feels good. When we choose to be angry, unkind, or friendly we really are choosing how we want to feel in our body. Acting angry or unfriendly rarely motivates someone else to change, and really in the end hurts only our own bodies, and our own happiness. One of the key teachings at the Option institute and in the Son-Rise program is that happiness is a choice. That means, others don't MAKE us angry by being rude. We choose to be angry about that. Others don't make us happy by being kind. We choose how we want to feel. One of my husband's favorite quotes is: You can make yourself happy, or you can make yourself miserable. Either way it's the same amount of work." One way doesn't take more time than the other. And even if being friendly did take three seconds more, it might just increase your joy in living. 

It may not seem like a big deal if someone opens the door for you, but I think that many small acts of kindness done especially to strangers, when no one else is watching, define where we stand as a society. Imagine if everyone was kind to strangers, if everyone was friendly and polite? What a pleasant place would that be?

This reminds me of something Elder D. Todd Christofferson said at a Conference:

The societies in which many of us live have for more than a generation failed to foster moral discipline. They have taught that truth is relative and that everyone decides for himself or herself what is right. Concepts such as sin and wrong have been condemned as “value judgments.” As the Lord describes it, “Every man walketh in his own way, and after the image of his own god” (D&C 1:16).

As a consequence, self-discipline has eroded and societies are left to try to maintain order and civility by compulsion. The lack of internal control by individuals breeds external control by governments. One columnist observed that “gentlemanly behavior [for example, once] protected women from coarse behavior. Today, we expect sexual harassment laws to restrain coarse behavior. …

“Policemen and laws can never replace customs, traditions and moral values as a means for regulating human behavior. At best, the police and criminal justice system are the last desperate line of defense for a civilized society. Our increased reliance on laws to regulate behavior is a measure of how uncivilized we’ve become.”² 

I get worried about the state of the world today, but when people take time to be kind, I always feel hopeful. I for one have decided that it feels good, and will take it back to the Netherlands where I know I'll have lots of opportunities to practice being kind. 

Adjustments

Alright, I admit. I stayed on until 7:38 pm last night, instead of turning it off, because I can't come upstairs without the kids wanting my attention, so I again didn't get to prepare the meeting enough, and frankly it won't be 7:30 pm by the time I turn it off tonight either, and here's my big justification: my kids are now going to bed later, and then all I have is 10 minutes on the computer. That's not enough to make phone calls. In the evening is the only time I can call the states because of the time difference, and I'm not about to pay long distance when I can use handy dandy google call and call all US numbers for free. So you see darlings, I might extend my computer from 7:15-8:00 pm.
Or is this perhaps a similar phenomenon to dieting, where you say: well I was going to stick with my diet, but then my aunt's sister's cousin celebrated a birthday and I really didn't want to offend her by not eating a piece of cake? Oh, the second piece, you say, why did I eat that? Well, otherwise she might think I didn't like it, right? Or the general addict's reply: well I would have abstained from -fill in the blank- but the kids were just too crazy/ work was just to overwhelming etc.
I don't know. It's possible. I know that I go to bed earlier now, and that being aware of what I'm doing has led to at least four blog posts so far. Not bad.

The other dilemma I have, is now that I'm not mindlessly surfing the internet, I'm dying to use the computer to write, and I also want to do the Rosetta Stone Dutch course. I'm tired of feeling so isolated here. Yes, almost everyone speaks English, and yes I understand Dutch, but that doesn't mean that people speak to me. When I drop off Micah in playgroup all the moms stand around in little clusters chatting, laughing, having some nice social interaction. They all speak English, but no one speaks to me. Most of them grew up right here, so they know each other too. It's very isolating. Most of all I want to be able to speak to the children though.
Anyway, I have so many things, I want to write about and create. Not stories, just thoughts, experiences, like how Ezra amazes me every day with his progress, and that my children acted like absolute angels today. If my kids were always like today, happily playing with each other, sharing, talking, laughing, than I would say that being a mother and parent is just about the greatest thing you'll ever do. Then of course, perhaps I wouldn't see that, if I didn't have to work so hard for it. And can I  just put on my firm grip boots and climb onto my soapbox here? (Of course I can. It's my blog after all and isn't that the point of blogs?)
If you want your children to share and play nicely, there's no way around it: get down on the floor and play with them. Teach them. Tell them what to do, and how to do it, instead of what not to do. For example: if child #1 takes toy away from child #2 and both start screaming and hitting, you just take them aside and say: no, that's not peaceful (if they're older you can explain more). This is how you could do it: Child #1 May I have a turn with that toy? have him/her repeat, and then Child #2 you say: Sure. Celebrate them like crazy, praising them for how nicely and peacefully they were doing it. Reinforce rules kindly but firmly. Explain why and how we do things, and show it to them by playing with them. The parent is the most important educator to the child. Our success in life to a large extent is defined by our social skills and our self-confidence, and no one has greater influence on a child's self-confidence than the parent. He/she will learn more from you than from anyone else. A child invites you to become who you want to be. Be in the world what you want to see in the world.

Anyway, way overtime here and Aaron and I want to go watch a movie. Goodnight friends.

The first 24 hours

I'm sure you're all dying to know what I did after I turned off the computer at 7:30 pm last night...not! But here it is anyway. Don't worry, I'm not planning on giving you a run down every day, but I myself am impressed at how much I got done.

I did in fact turn it off right when I said I would, even though I hadn't even started planning the group meeting for tonight, and in fact should be doing that right now, probably. Anyway, I went downstairs, sat on the couch, and tried myself at doing nothing for a while. It lasted all of two minutes, before I noticed that there were toys everywhere, the kitchen was cleaned only superficially and the playroom was a total disaster area. One thing lead to another, and although I tried periods of just sitting down and relaxing they never lasted longer than two minutes. Apparently I have a very short chill-span. In some ways I think I'm very much like Ezra. He's so hyperactive, always bouncing about from one thing to the next. The only time he slows down is when he reads a book. While I no longer bounce, except perhaps as a passive reaction to my movement, I still move a lot, and only sit still when I read. Anyway, darlings, this is what I did while trying to just chill:

November 15, past 7:30 pm

1. picked up all the toys
2. vacuumed downstairs
3. cleaned dishes
4. cleaned kitchen (2x)
5. sorted out the pantry/closet for stuff to give away
6. organized the toy closet
7. organized pantry
8. did a load of laundry
9. folded a load of laundry
10. put said laundry away (always my least favorite part, frankly)
11. tidied and organized playroom
12. swept playroom
13. prepared a glutenfree pastry crust for a quiche in the morning
14. prepared 3 GFCF muffin and cake mixes
15. prepared tea/coffee for the morning (relax Mormons, it's herbal tea, and cereal coffee)
16. chopped up chicken for chicken nuggets lunch, and prepared the mix for chicken nuggets

All of this took me until about 10:00 pm. The result showed this morning and during the day where things just ran more smoothly, it seemed. Now, if I had set myself a to-do-list like this, I would have done maybe two things, and then would have just thought, meh, who cares, I can do it tomorrow. I was pretty pleased with all I got done, but I would consider my evening just as productive, had I just taken time for myself to play through a Sonata, learn new music, or do whatever just for myself. This is what the option process has taught me and I'm starting to grasp and translate it better every day: happiness is the result of your own choice and belief. You are more likely to be happy, if you do what you do, because you want to do it. If you tell yourself: I have to make breakfast for the kids, I have to clean the house, I have to do this or that, because who else will do it, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment. If you however see that you're doing it out of love, because you want your children to have a healthy, yummy breakfast, because -and let's be honest here, friends- YOU like the house nice and tidy, and so on, then you're already doing what you want to be doing, without needing anyone else to "give" you happiness by saying thank you or appreciating your efforts.

OK, enough for today. I really need to prepare the meeting for tonight.

First day of computer in moderation

Not bad for my first day, really. I can already see the results today in my new approach. I actually spent probably three hours in front of the computer, but I got the fund-raising letter written, called the appropriate agencies, researched treatments and agencies here in the Netherlands and can say that it was a very productive three hours. And, here I am blogging. So far so good. I did get off the computer yesterday at around 8:15 pm, after I finished writing the last post. I admit it was hard to go to bed without checking my mail or sitting down at the computer, which usually ends up in another 20- 60 min of my time sucked away. Instead of using the computer I went downstairs, made the menu plans for this coming week which surprisingly took an hour, because I had to come up with two plans as I'm doing a special diet right now in preparation for my Thanksgain-a-ton. Aaron and I held a real face to face conversation with some talking involved and then I went to bed earlier than usual and got a decent amount of sleep. Me likey!

I was going to give you an update on us here, but as I started writing, Micah demanded a bedtime story. Clouds on my computer horizon! I came upstairs today to use the computer while Aaron puts the kids to bed, at around 6:30 pm. Usually I stay downstairs so he gets to spend time with them. He typically leaves home at around 7:30 am and comes back between 5-5:20 pm which gives him just a bit less than two hours a day with the kids. Now, that I come upstairs though, the kids want me to read stories, sing, and do bath time. Not so ideal. I'll see what I can do about that. So update will have to wait until tomorrow. Now, one more

OK. It's 7:17 pm and I'm starting to feel antsy. What on earth am I going to do with myself after turning off the computer, and how am going to refrain from just nibbling out of boredom? Yikes. What did I get myself into?

Three month computer-in-moderation experiment

How much time do YOU spend on the computer? How much time is leisure, how much work, research, play? Are you spending hours on your computer browsing facebook or youtube after your kids go to bed? Do you obsessively check your email/facebook/twitter (I don't have twitter, but just to include everyone) to see if someone has emailed you or replied to your thread? Do you fill out quiz after quiz for entertainment or to find answers to questions you wish you knew? Do you measure your value as a person by how many people reply to your posts? Have you looked at pictures of your friends, and secretly coveted their life/house/vacations/job/children/fill-in-the-blank? Have you ever said to yourself: how on earth is it 11 pm already, and then stayed on for no reason in particular? Do you consistently stay up past the point when you're body signals for you to go to sleep? Have you ever chatted with your husband online while you're in adjacent rooms (actually that works quite well for us when we're sharing links and looking at places to move to, as well as when we're arguing, because it removes tone of voice, and encourages thinking before writing. Just saying!)?
I have at some point or other been guilty of all the above, and I deem this no longer a desirable way of living. Mainly I'm just curious how much I could do, and frankly WHAT I would do, if I put my computer time to good use. Let's face it: I can't live without the internet anymore. I don't want to. It's cheap and practical to stay in touch with my family and friends back home in the States, and all over the world. And if people move, it doesn't matter, because I no longer need to keep track of their physical address. And I'm certainly not about to head down to our library in Eindhoven, to research a subject when all they have are outdated Dutch books, that you have to pay for to check out. I wouldn't even do that in the US. Google rocks. Thanks for inventing it. And can I just say: AMAZON!!!


Just FYI we don't have TV in our home. Many people find that bizarre, but we don't miss it. At first I only wanted to watch two shows, but then we would record others on the DVR just out of curiosity. It got to the point, where I felt I had to schedule time to keep up with all my shows. We were amazed at all the time it freed up once we got rid of it. Now that we live in the Netherlands and have few friends, it seems that our free time has gradually shifted towards the computer. I can live without TV. DVD's work fine, and occasional going to the movies. But how do I live with the internet without letting it take over my life, and replace my real life socializing with virtual friendships? Here's my experiment. Since I don't want to live without internet, I will attempt a three month computer-in-moderation plan. I will actually schedule time during the day to do what I need to do, and then cap off my computer time at 7:30 pm at night (except for tonight because I'm writing this lengthy blog post, and Micah wanted extra attention). My kids go to bed at around 7-ish, so I have 30 minutes to write a blog entry, and check email and calendar for the following day.
I find that for me one of the major problems with staying on too late is that I have valid things to do that I really need the computer for. My main online work consists in organizing my son-rise program, creating, editing, and reviewing forms, searching for volunteers, and researching more treatment options for Ezra, and Micah. On the leisure side I would like to create videos and photo albums of the kids, write a novel, or at least update my blog more than once every two months. I also use the computer as a phone book and a cookbook. However I simply don't get to these during the day, because as soon as I sit down in the office, the kids come bouncing in with requests for music, or play, or they get into trouble, because they tend to be aggressive with each other.   I think I'll just do it when the kids are in bed. By the time they are though, I'm just too exhausted, and the last thing I want to do is look for more treatments for autistic children. So I log on, feeling somewhat isolated after a whole day of talking to just my kids and my mom, thinking I'll first catch up with some friends and get some social interaction. And sometimes I do get to skype with a friend and that is fun. YAY, skype inventer. Well done! Best thing invented since google. But other than that I just browse facebook, and watch funny youtube videos to distract myself and relax. The result is, that I get less real interaction with friends, and I probably make less friends here in the Netherlands, because a) I hardly go out because I'm tired, and it's rainy, dark, and cold now, and b) the friends I have online I rarely email them (why email if I can just post in one line how I'm doing on facebook, and aren't they all on facebook?). I get no work done, and then feel more stressed about it, because I have to do it some other time. I go to bed too late, wake up slightly sleep deprived and somewhat groggy, which affects my parenting, and my health, and after one and a half of staying up late, I don't speak Dutch, I've written no novel, found only two stable volunteers, and haven't gotten all that much closer to my friends back home. Bit of a wast of time, huh? To be fair, I did create a website for Ezra, have organized several of our pictures, written blog entries, and have learned a lot about treatment options for him, not to mention the countless research papers and articles I read. Still, I'm hopeful that with budgeted screen time, I will be more productive and happier. Wish me perseverance!

Autism in the morning

If it wasn't a daily occurrence it might be hilarious. When it happened yesterday I did in fact just start laughing.

We have early risers. Our kids go to bed at 7 pm, and then wake up usually around 6 am give or take 30 minutes. I'm pretty certain any kid is annoying to a parent who has gone to bed at too late an hour because they had to either get stuff done they couldn't do during the day, or because they just wanted to enjoy some peace and quiet. I'm not saying I'm the only lucky mom privy to such nocturnal nonsense. Micah gets up at 6 am this morning, and wants to snuggle. Usually my snuggle rule is no earlier then  6:30 am, because once snuggling commences I can't sleep (mostly because Micah launches into a tirade of questions). Micah was so loud Ezra woke up also, and came into our room. I don't know why I think every day, that they'll just come and cuddle with us. Apparently I have no access to my memories in early waking hours that would help me think better of it. Ezra isn't capable of just lying still and snuggling unless he's really sick. He moves around like an octopus, can't lay still for more than 3 seconds. Today he didn't even come to snuggle, but instead looked out our window. This is what followed, and this is a typical autistic behavior. It's called an ism, and specifically a vocal ism, meaning he will do a thing repetitiously, without interacting.

Ezra: look mommy, the stars.
Mom: yes, it's night time. We should be sleeping. I hope he heard the hint in that.
Ezra: look, mommy, stars.
Mom: mhm
Ezra: look, mommy, stars
Mom: I don't care
Ezra: look, mommy, stars
Mom: this is so autistic. I wish he would start his isms after 7 am
Ezra: mommy, stars
Mom: Remember son-rise. Be supportive, be interested, join his ism
Ezra: mommy, stars
Mom: Yes, stars are out a night time
Ezra: look mommy, stars
Mom: Maybe I should try distraction Hey Ezra, why don't you go read a book in your room?
Ezra: silent for a moment Look mommy the stars
Mom: oh right. Distraction doesn't work. Whatever. I'll just ignore him. Maybe I should write a blog post about this and count how many times he says it.
Ezra: Look mommy, stars ...repeats it 38 times....then silence for 30 seconds...switch to other noise ism...starts bouncing a glass marble repetitively on the floor to hear the noise it makes
Mom: Why me? Do parents of normal children have to deal with this?
 

Ezra's Birthday

Where has September gone? And for that matter, October is almost over and here I haven't posted since August.
We celebrated Ezra's birthday recently. It was exciting to see Ezra finally understand what birthday's are about. Now he knows to expect a cake, presents, and a party. We delivered of course. His wish list kept getting longer and longer the closer we got to the event. Of course the flip side of the coin is that true to his autism he's not only excited about his birthday, he now asks to have a cake and party every day.

I have a few very gifted cake decorating friends. I always admire their creations and thought I'd give it creating a themed birthday cake for Ezra a shot. He's really into airports, runways, and planes right now, so I thought I'd try to make him an airport cake (at first I thought of making him a galaxy cake but with no food colorings, no can do). Turns out that a perfectionist with no cake decorating skills has no business in making themed cakes, unless she does the decorating way in advance, instead of spending the morning cursing at her misshapen project, instead of showering her birthday boy with love and affection. It also is less fun to decorate a cake when you can't use any food colorings. Although despite my gluten/casein/food color/preservative free creation he still melted down from all the sugar and had a really hard day after until the sugar left his system. The cake tasted fine though.

We spent the morning unwrapping gifts and playing with them. In the afternoon we went to Ezra's favorite playground to have a BBQ. The weather cooperated beautifully. We stayed out later than usual, so by the time we got home, Ezra was ready for sleep. Day over!

Breda with the family and what to do when you see an autistic child

View of the old city, canal, and citadel of Breda

Traveling with an autistic child is difficult, sometimes even impossible. Can you imagine what it is like to get very little sleep every night because of your child's difficulty sleeping, then go put in a hard day's work, come home at the end of the day justifiably tired to tantrums, an exhausted spouse. Then know that when all your colleagues and friends go on vacation to beautiful beaches and exotic locations, you will be staying home, because your child can't handle any change in routine, and because crowds and noises overwhelm him. Can you fathom what it is like to never go anywhere, not even the store, without planning for someone to take care of your child? To drive five miles out of your way, just to avoid the tantrum you know will ensue if he sees a certain store/restaurant that he wants to go to? No visits to the beautiful places of the world, even the ones close to you, and creating for your kids the kind of childhood memories you still cherish. No stays in hotels or camping, because your autistic child can't figure out how to rest his body, and all of you will be up for most of the night, listening to screaming.
Autistic children crave control, because their surroundings don't make sense to them. It is an overwhelming, chaotic influx of stimuli, which brains of neuro-typical children can easily sort out and categorize, tuning some things out if necessary. Not so for the autistic brain. From what I've gathered overwhelming stimuli has one of two effects on them: either it is such an overload that they shut down and cry trying to get out of the situation, or it is so stimulating to them that it acts on their brain like a drug, making them crave more and more. They will have a high from going out, but as we all know, what goes up comes down, and when they come down, we have the same reaction as the child that is overwhelmed at the beginning.
Consider then, dear reader, that the next time you are enjoying some time out with your family or friends, and you see a child acting completely out of control, that this might just be a family who has spent the last 3 years at home every single day with their child, have not had a break, a vacation, or time away from or with their children, have spent most of their money funding therapies, spend their time cooking special diets, can't eat out without their child having reactions, haven't slept right since the child was born, and against all odds have decided to venture out to give life in the world out there a try. The child isn't bad or evil, and the parents aren't irresponsible and incapable. No need to call the police or child services. Offering help, however kindly meant, will likely result in the child screaming more. Don't judge, don't criticize, and if you want to roll your eyes, and shake your head...by all means, although if you're doing it to get the parents to notice that their child is misbehaving...um, thank you captain obvious! And before you kindly or impatiently suggest to them to tell their child to stop just ask yourself: if they could, wouldn't they have already? At the end of the day though, I can promise you that you'll feel a lot better if you assume the child has special needs, and the parents and child are doing the best they can. Think a good thought for them, and thank whatever Higher Power you believe in, that your children are healthy, and that you can take them places and enjoy the good things in life (to whatever extent you chose to).


We are very fortunate that we can take Ezra with us. He is the second type I described and really craves input, and then melts down afterward, when his brain craves another fix that he doesn't get. We only take him for short trips. Lucky for us we live in Holland, and are surrounded by gorgeous, ancient cities within 1-2 hours driving distance.

Here then is another visit to a city close by; beautiful Breda. This is one of the "younger" cities of the Netherlands dating back to 1100 AD. We spent about two hours walking around the charming old town, and then found a park for the kids to play in. It was very manageable and absolutely perfect weather.

Ezra and Daddy in front of the Cathedral

I absolutely loved the ceiling.

There is a famous organ festival held in Breda each year.

By the way, I did not coordinate my children's clothes. Ezra likes to dress Micah, and usually makes sure that whatever he is wearing matches what Micah wears.

Having a little snack on the bridge.

Nothing like a giant cell phone to entertain the kids!

"Whipped Cream, Spaghetti, Coffee, Sausage, Ice Cream" We had our doubts about this restaurant.

Hideous playground structure in the castle park. The kids had a lot of fun though.

8th Anniversary tour of Netherlands

We had a blast. There you go. That's all I'll tell you. Just kidding. I know all five of you reading my blog are dying to read about our anniversary in the Netherlands. It was pretty lovely and smooth going I must say.

To be honest we are pretty broke at the moment. I love a good challenge and thought it would be fun to organize a wedding anniversary with the theme no-money, no-complaints, with the goal to spend absolutely nothing and love it. I envisioned us biking to a beautiful nature reserve, and spending the night camping out, building a fire, and cooking re-hydrated pasta and then smores like in movies and books that I've read. Yes, I've never had to build my own fire in the wild before. Ever. Someone else (usually a guy) was there to take charge. I think this is a major lack in my survival skills set. So why not combine pleasure, learning and romance for our anniversary? Turns out though, that there is no "wild" in the Netherlands, and that starting a fire anywhere is illegal. There are nature preserves that have campgrounds, called natuur campeeren, which means, basically a camping ground in nature. The tent spaces are further apart, and there are usually very basic to no facilities (i.e. running water/toilets). Natuur campeeren differs from normal camping which is just your basic camp ground somewhere outside the city, with tents lined up within arms reach of each other, and full facilities. Turns out though that to go nature camping you have to buy a permit for 15 Euros, and then once you get to the camp ground you have to pay per adult, reservation fee, and for the space. If you use a shower you also have to pay. So we would have ended up paying about 30-40 Euros to go camping, which kind of wasn't what I had in mind with a romantic getaway and no spending. Then there is vrij campeeren, where you can camp for free at the edge of the field. However you can only camp after 7 pm and then it's first come first serve. Only three spots available, and no exact location. Camping laws here are very strict, and the police department even has their own unit who do nothing but patrol for illegal camping. The final nail in the camping coffin was that apparently there is a major tic problem in the forests here with Lyme disease. I know you were all just dying to know about this, so now that your curiosity on camping in the Netherlands is satisfied, back to the anniversary.

We threw all previous attempts to not spend money out the window, and settled for good ol' American credit card vacation. Our hotel actually ended up being just slightly more than the camp ground, and we had shower, and a king size bed!!! As soon as my head hit the hotel pillow for an afternoon nap (pure luxury) I laughed at the thought of camping somewhere on a hard floor, with no running water close by and bugs swarming us.

We started out our day in the amazing city of Utrecht. The earliest origins of this city date back to 2200 BC!!!! In the 2nd century Romans built a fortress there, but couldn't maintain it, and finally it is spoken of again in the 7th century. I love how steeped in history everything in Europe is. The city itself reminded us a little of San Antonio with it's river boardwalk. We arrived before 9:30 so shops were all still closed, and the atmosphere was very peaceful.

Aaron in Utrecht

Behind the Cathedral

This is taken from underneath the cathedral tower. The cathedral was destroyed in a hurricane.

Tower of Utrecht, part of the former cathedral.

This is by far one of the most elegant catholic churches I've had the pleasure of visiting.

Boardwalk in Utrecht

Little shops line the canal

wacky tree along canal

Cool Stone with ancient carvings in front of Cathedral

After Utrecht we headed out to the Kastel De Haar, a very pretty castle outside of Utrecht, with an underwhelming park. Sorry, but after seeing Schoenbrunn I'm not easily blown away. We had a fun little picnic in the park and walked around the castle which is being renovated.

Aaron washing out raspberry vinaigrette from his shorts and white shirt in the super fancy guest bathroom of the castle.

Seriously, wrought iron hardware, solid wood door, ceramic tiles...and we got all the raspberry dressing out.

We headed straight up to our hotel which was about an hour North of Amsterdam, and took aforementioned nap. I think, only parents can truly appreciate the luxury of an uninterrupted afternoon nap.
The beach was next on our list. The water was freeeezzzing, and my legs mysteriously started itching. After we were thoroughly cold, we headed back to the beach and saw a disgusting, dead jelly fish. Ewww. I paid closer attention to the water and saw several small jellyfish floating next to the shore, and many dead ones on the beach. With the mystery of my itching legs solved I didn't return to the water after that.

Then we had dinner in Haarlem, which is probably the prettiest city I've been too so far in the Netherlands. Or maybe the second prettiest. I don't know, so many to chose from. After a stroll through the narrow streets and peeking at the menus of several restaurants we decided on Japanese, because it had the nicest interior decor and the least likelihood of me ending up toppled over with stomach cramps an hour after eating.

Haarlem City Center

The only thing I'll mention about going back to the hotel was that we got to sleep in the next morning. That alone was worth going away for!!!

Micah's 3rd Birthday

We had a blast on Micah's birthday. We live in a tiny town called Best, outside of Eindhoven. In this tiny town there is a huge fair once a year, one of the biggest in the Netherlands. 250,000 people visit it and it happened to fall on Micah's birthday. Saturday and Sunday it was horribly hot, so we stayed away, but the temperatures cooled on Monday and Tuesday, so we went and had such a blast watching the kids go on rides. I wanted to get myself a stuffed tiger so badly, that I ended up buying one, because my archery skills are not quite up to par. But at least I hit one balloon, after my first try shooting an arrow.
Micah had a great day, I think, enjoyed all his favorite foods, and especially his new toys.

Micah's 3rd Birthday July 5th 2010

Independence Day, and Micah's 3rd Birthday Party

Micah's birthday is so close to Independence Day that we decided to combine the two events. We had an absolutely brilliant time barbecuing and swimming in our back yard with our friends the Knudsens and the Daams. Ezra and Micah are madly in love with the Knudsens oldest daughter Jori, who has been volunteering for Ezra's son-rise program. She has the most amazing blue eyes. And the three "younger" sons Chris, Malachi, and DJ have acquired hero status in Micah's and Ezra's eyes. Of course any party must include Melissa and Mark with their daughters Kailea and Ella. Our gathering was very merry, and I admit publicly that Sheldon Knudsen was in fact not as biased as I thought, and that Oscar Meyer hot dogs (supplied from the Airforce base, thank you very kindly) really are worlds better than Lidl hot dogs from Europe.

It was fun to see Micah being the center of attention. He was so shy about it, but thrilled too. Usually everything is about Ezra. People come over to play with Ezra in a special room. In reality Micah gets a lot of attention, but it's still different. Micah's favorite present was probably having Jori all to himself. She showered him with attention and he ate it up. Another great gift was that his Opa finally came to visit. He spent time playing with the kids, and treated us to Chinese dinner, and to the awesome fair here in Best. It's one of the biggest in the Netherlands, and more than 250,000 people visit during the course of five days.

Enjoy some the pictures.

4th of July and Micah's 3 Birthday Party July 2010

I'm so powerful

It's one of these nights where I'm really wishing for A/C. It's about 93 degrees outside and only starting to cool off. Our house has a tarred flat roof which means it's essentially like a sauna on the second floor, where the bedrooms are. It might be a good thing though, because if it wasn't for me being so uncomfortable I know this would never get written. I'd just go to sleep, instead of writing.

I've begun following my natural inclinations and have started counseling and feel very at home in it. It is a very specific type of counseling and differs greatly from most counseling jobs. It is based on the principles of the Option Process, which was created by the same guy who created the Son-Rise program that we're doing with Ezra. Essentially in this type of counseling, the client is the director. I ask questions that help the client examine their behaviors and beliefs, and then to find their own answers, and solutions, based on what they want to do. The key principles of this method are to be non-judgmental, loving, accepting, and especially non-directive as a counselor. FYI if any of you are interested in trying it out, I'm looking for clients to practice on. No charge, yet.

Tonight I did such a session with a friend of mine. This is the second session we've had, and I feel so edified after it I have to write it down. But first a little introduction to the the process is necessary. In the option process we believe that all our actions, all our behaviors are the results not of our external surroundings and the stimuli they emit but of our internal beliefs about them.  We MAKE belief!


STIMULUS     ---->     BELIEF     ------>       RESPONSE

To clarify, an example:
Stimulus: there is a traffic jam on the way to work
Response: Client gets angry and cranky

What can the client change about that? He could in future avoid that route. That would be trying to change the stimulus. But that could lead to him getting stuck behind a tractor, or his car breaking down, his spouse calling saying he forgot his key card at home, and he might still be late to work. So in essence trying to control the stimulus is difficult/impossible. The next thing the client might try to change is the response: "well getting angry and cranky is bad. I shouldn't do that, it's bad for my cholesterol, etc." So he tries to change the behavior. That usually results in a long list of to-do's, shoulds, needs, and the familiar new years resolutions, that leave everyone falling short. Controlling behavior is possible but it works only sporadically in best case scenarios and is rather laborious. In the option process I try to identify the belief behind the getting angry and cranky. Why do you get angry, I would ask. And after some probing it turns out that he gets angry because he believes that being late will make him look bad and his boss won't like it. And after more probing we'll figure out that the real belief is: I'm not good enough, I want my boss to confirm that, and by being late, he won't. So here he thinks the problem is that he has a short fuse in traffic, when really his belief of not being good enough is the cause. He could change it simply to I'm good enough and don't have to prove anything.

This view of stimulus-belief-response means that we are in control of our response, because we can chose what we believe. We have the power to chose how we want to feel and what we want to believe. It struck me during the session with my friend how beautifully her main underlying belief, I am a bad person, guided her every action and in-action. She made the entire world, all the people in it align with that belief. No matter how successful she is in her chosen career (and she is) she finds ways to confirm how others are better than her, and how she is a bad person because of being in that chosen career. Whatever good she does is viewed only in terms of the good she didn't do. When we chose a belief, our entire body and our subconscious immediately goes to work to confirm our belief, looking for evidence of said belief. I was so in awe of her power and celebrated her for it. I realized that no matter what our mental or physical challenges, no matter the circumstances we find ourselves in, there is a power within us that no man can take from us. We can align the entire world, and every one in it, to serve our belief. And if that belief is: I'm a bad person, I'm not good enough, or I'm truly happy and blessed...we will find the evidence for it. That is truly inspiring!

So with that thought all written down, I will now go to sleep with my brand new belief that I can sleep when it's really hot, and even though it's late, I will have enough rest to get up early.

Christ Centered Parenting

I was asked to give a talk this Sunday at Church on Christ centered parenting. Here it
is.

Christ centered parenting

What is parenting and how can it be Christ centered: Wikipedia defines parenting as the process of promoting and supporting the physical, emotional, social, and intellectual development of a child from infancy to adulthood.
To this definition I would add in the words of King Benjamin:
Mosia 4: 15-16
ye will teach [your children] to walk in the ways of truth and soberness; ye will teach them to love one another, and to serve one another.

And in the next verse King Benjamin points the way to how this is to be done.
And also, ye yourselves will succor those that stand in need of your succor. Ye will administer of your substance unto him that standeth in need.

Our teaching is useless unless we set the example. Aaron and I recently spent a week in the States. During that time my mother and Aaron's parents took care of the children. When we returned we were going to have dinner together. After dinner we went to play outside in the garden. Most of us were already outside, when I heard Ezra yell: come on, Bill, in perfect imitation of Grandma. Whether we like it or not, our children see everything we do, and copy us. We pass our own biases on to our children. This can work in our favor. Ralph Waldo Emerson put it this way:Your actions speak so loud I could not hear your words?
Another new favorite quote of mine is: Be in the world what you want to see in the world.

So how does plain parenting differ from Christ centered parenting? Nephi has an apt description that you are all familiar with:
2 Ne:25:26
And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.
This mission, this mandate, is not unlike Christ’s mission. He came to earth to teach us of the love our Heavenly Father has for us. How did he accomplish his mission? What was his method?
John 5:19
Verily, verily, I say unto you, The Son can do nothing of himself, but what he seeth the Father do: for what things soever he doeth, these also doeth the Son likewise.

If we want our children to love Christ to know him, to be like him, then we need to love him, be like him, and serve him. Don’t think that we can fool our children. They know the difference. Let me radically suggest that parenting is about becoming ourselves who we want our children to be. Our children depend on us for direction and guidance, especially in their younger years. But it doesn’t follow that because we are teaching them they have nothing to teach us. Parenting children is the greatest opportunity we are given in this life to become Christ like whether these be our biological children, or our nieces, nephews, or children in our care.

As I was preparing this talk I reflected on the pattern Heavenly Father set for the experience of his children here on earth. He has blessed each of us with individual talents, situations, and challenges. But there are four gifts that each of us have been given regardless of the family situation we have been placed in. They are a beautiful earth, honesty and assurance, free agency, and the atonement. I think that we can give these gifts to our children.

1 A beautiful place to call home
Before our Father in Heaven parted with us, he created a beautiful earth for us to live in. Everything around us is a testament of where we came from. Alma teaches Korihor:
Alma 30:44
yea, and all things denote there is a God; yea, even the earth, and call things that are upon the face of it, yea, and its motion, yea, and also all the planets which move in their regular form do witness that there is a Supreme Creator.
What kind of home do we provide for our children? I’m not suggesting we need an expensive mansion filled with paraphernalia. Is it a place you want to come home to? Is it a place where a child is and feels safe, and can grow in strength and health? When your children look at the walls and shelves, what are the values they will see? Is our home neat and clean?

2 Honesty and Assurance
The earth God created for us is beautiful but it has it’s risks: natural disasters and human corruption abound. God has warned and prepared us for these occasions and assured us that he is always there for us. He let’s us know what is about to happen through his prophets. He warns us of dangers. He doesn’t sugar coat the dangers and consequences of sinful behaviors. He makes no excuses. He is completely honest with us, and assures us that he will be there for us through it all.
Deuteronomy 31:8
And the Lord, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed.
Elder Hale said: we raise our families in a wicked and hostile world…But we also weave around our children a protective basket—a vessel called “the family”—and guide them to safe places where our teachings can be reinforced in the home and at church.
Our family can be the haven where our children find comfort and guidance.

3 Agency
Perhaps his greatest gift to us is our agency.
Moses 7: 32
32 The Lord said unto Enoch: Behold [Humans] are the workmanship of mine own hands, and I gave unto them their knowledge, in the day I created them; and in the Garden of Eden, gave I unto man his agency;
Our agency allows us to chose for ourselves, to have our own experiences. Do we bestow the same trust in our children? What greater evidence of His faith in us could God have given us? What greater gift of love could he have offered, then to let us chose for ourselves? Only one! Which brings me to the last gift I want to mention.

4 Atonement
God knew us so well he understood that we mess up at times. So with the gift of our agency, he also provided a way out. Providing a way out, to me, evidences his acceptance of our weakness.
1 Jn. 4:10
Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and bent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
John 3: 16
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Are we forgiving and accepting of our children’s mistakes, or to we continuously remind them of their failings in the past?

So this is the point in a talk where usually one makes suggestions for behaviors we can change or add to be Christ centered parents (suggestions perhaps like, get rid of bad movies, hang up pictures of Christ, read scriptures with your kids, pray every day, attend the temple, be loving, don’t judge, forgive, etc). Through the Son-Rise program I have come to understand that it is not our behaviors we need to change, but our beliefs. We all act according to our beliefs and in accordance of what we want the most. Our behaviors and actions are only the result of what we believe. And in this lies the key: if we want. I have come to believe that everyone does what they want to do the most. We can chose what we want to do. Therein lies our free agency. And in circumstances beyond our control, we can choose how react. Perhaps you might be thinking, well I don’t have a choice about working. I have to work to support my family. I say: no you don’t. There are plenty of people who don’t. If you are working to support your family, it is because you want your family to be supported. Or at least you want it more than you want to feel like you can’t support your family. Or what about a mother: I have to stay home from work to take care of my children. Again, no you don’t. If you’re staying home it is because you want to take care of your children. I believe that if we acknowledge that what we do is what we want to do, life becomes easier. We become happier, because we are no longer the victims of circumstances. We own up to who we are and what we want to do. So how do we become Christ centered parents? We don’t, unless we WANT to center ourselves on Christ. This is something that will be up to each of you to decide for themselves. You can ask yourself: Do I want a Christ centered home?

The scriptures assure us that God will honor our free agency, regardless of our choice:
Psalm 37:4 [God] shall give thee the desire of thine heart
Alma 29:4 I know that [God] granteth unto men according to their desire, whether it be unto death or unto life; yea, I know that he allotteth unto men, ….according to their wills, whether they be unto salvation or unto destruction.
D&C 137:9 For I, the Lord, will judge all men according to their works, according to the desire of their hearts.

If it is the desire of our hearts to have a Christ at the center of our family, then it will be easy for us to extend the four gifts I have mentioned. We will keep our home beautiful and peaceful, we will assure our children of our continued presence and support, we will trust them to chose the best options for themselves, and we will be loving and forgiving if they lose their way, or make mistakes.

How can you “increase” your desire, assuming you want to increase it? I have no real short cut to that. Let me borrow Alma’s suggestion from
Alma 32:27
But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.

And finally let me close with Almas invitation to the Zoramites:
Alma 33:23
And now, my brethren, I desire that ye shall plant this word in your hearts, and as it beginneth to swell even so nourish it by your faith. And behold, it will become a tree, springing up in you unto everlasting life. And then may God grant unto you that your burdens may be light, through the joy of his Son. And even all this can ye do if ye will. Amen.

Potty trained!!!

After 4.5 years Ezra is finally potty trained. Today he went NR 2 in the potty and got the lollipop he had been staring at for the last five months. We hadn't really tried to potty train him before. It was clear he was not ready to give up control. He has been going NR 1 in the potty for close to a year, but only sporadically. Then four weeks ago he decided he wanted underwear and was promptly dry during the whole day, and even the nights. Every time he went potty we praised him for staying dry (not for going potty) and rewarded him with his major motivation, stickers of airplanes. However when it came to going NR 2 he was just terrified and ran away screaming every time. Whenever it was time to go he would get completely undressed grab a diaper, do his business, and then dump it in the toilet and wipe his bum, like I trained him to do. After we came back from the New Frontiers program, we decided to use our new tools to help him go. We simply stopped buying diapers. We were always encouraging, but left it up to him to go. He held it in for three days, refusing to go. He kept asking for a diaper, and I apologized that I didn't have any more. The clever kid even told me which store I could go buy them at. Then today, the third day, he lay miserable in the playroom, and held his stomach. Every time he complained that his stomach hurt, I explained it was because he needed to go to the bathroom. I gave him a bottle of apple juice as a laxative. After waddling around for an hour with a pinched bottom, he finally went NR 2 in the potty. Of course all appropriate parties were notified, and the act duly admired and celebrated. A new helicopter and fighter jet grace the potty page in his sticker book, and the lollipop was greatly enjoyed, and discarded.

Boring Templates

So I've changed my template again. I'm not completely happy with this one either but it is less boring than the other blog. Why don't they have more fun free templates? These are such a yawn fest. Anyway, if you are reading my blog, let me know what you think of this deep blue.